


Can You Hear Me Now

by impalagirl, wilddragonflying



Series: Roleplays [63]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (not in a sexual way tho), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Deaf Clint Barton, Deaf Steve Rogers, Deliberate lack of communication, Disabled Character, F/M, M/M, disabled Bucky, in the past, miscommunications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 07:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14539905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impalagirl/pseuds/impalagirl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilddragonflying/pseuds/wilddragonflying
Summary: "Heads up," Natasha says, walking straight into Steve's room without so much as knocking and dropping down onto his bed. She's eating an apple, and she takes another bite while she watches him struggle with the tape on one of the boxes he still has yet to unpack. "He just moved into the building. Room above mine."Steve sighs, turning away from the box and waving a hand towards where his hearing aid lays on the table beside his bed, a few feet away. He reorients himself so that his right ear - the one with better hearing - is closer to Nat, and asks, "What did you say?""Barnes," Natasha says, a little louder this time but not patronisingly so. "He's here. In the building."





	Can You Hear Me Now

"Heads up," Natasha says, walking straight into Steve's room without so much as knocking and dropping down onto his bed. She's eating an apple, and she takes another bite while she watches him struggle with the tape on one of the boxes he still has yet to unpack. "He just moved into the building. Room above mine."

Steve sighs, turning away from the box and waving a hand towards where his hearing aid lays on the table beside his bed, a few feet away. He reorients himself so that his right ear - the one with better hearing - is closer to Nat, and asks, "What did you say?"

"Barnes," Natasha says, a little louder this time but not patronisingly so. "He's here. In the building."

Steve shrugs. "It's the dorm most of the juniors living on campus are staying in," he points out. "Of course he'd be here. Is he on this floor?"

Natasha shakes her head. "One up, above my room. I just saw him coming in with his parents." 

Steve considers that, then shrugs. "Shouldn't be a problem. I don't think we'll have any classes together; I'm done with all of my gen eds, and last I knew he wasn't majoring in art education."

Natasha takes another bite out of her apple. "Or you could just talk to him," she suggests. "You know, like mature adults."

Steve rolls his eyes. "Right. Like that would actually solve anything." Steve wishes it would, but he can't even open his mouth or bring up his hands in Barnes's presence without him making some snide or outright-hostile comment, and Steve's temper hasn't really gotten any better since leaving high school.

"Fine," Natasha sighs. "But just so you know, I still think this is stupid."

Steve laughs. "No, it really isn't," he says, a little bitterly before taking a deep breath. "Now, did you come to actually be helpful, or are you just bugging everyone today?"

Natasha casually pulls a pocket knife from her jacket and throws it to him. "I was enjoying myself a little," she admits.

Steve catches the knife one-handed, and very maturely sticks his tongue out at her. "Go bug the next person on your list, then," he says with a laugh. "I really need to finish unpacking before my meeting with my advisor this afternoon."

"Boring," Natasha says, but she's smiling. "Clint's coming over later to watch a movie and complain about his workload. You in?"

"If it's this evening, sure," Steve agrees with a smile. "Bet I can give his workload a run for its money."

"We'll see." Natasha gets to her feet and even gives Steve a hug, but it's probably only so she can get her mouth nice and close to his good ear and murmur, "Just think about it, okay? I know you miss him." She pulls back and turns to open the door, hesitating only a second in the doorway. "See you later, Rogers."

She slams the door behind her before Bucky can get a good look inside, but they both know whose room she was just in. Natasha treats him to a smug smile and walks away without a word, and Bucky ushers Sam towards the stairs. "Great," he groans, "just great. I thought you said he was thinking of going off campus this year?"

"He was," Sam says, "but then Riley asked me to move in with him, and Steve didn't want to be the third wheel. Not that I blame him, Riley and I _do_ get pretty loud." He says this last with a waggle of his eyebrows in Bucky's direction.

Bucky scoffs and gives him a shove. "Whatever," he says. "What-- what am I supposed to do now? He's. _Right there_."

"You'll probably actually hit me if I say 'ignore him,' but that's what I'm saying," Sam says, giving Bucky a gentle bump with his shoulder since his arms are currently occupied with the last box of Bucky's stuff. "Look, you know he's no good for you. I get you guys used to be bosom buddies, but you know what just talking about him does to you now, so maybe this year's the year you need to work on forgetting him as much as possible."

"I would like that," Bucky says, the words deliberately even, "but it might be a. A challenge when we're practically r--roommates, _fuck_."

Sam nods. "Yeah, but this is junior year. You're done with all of your gen eds, right? And you're an engineering major, not an art major, and those classes are all in separate buildings."

"We'll-- we'll see," Bucky says darkly. He fishes his room key out of his pocket and shoves it into the lock, twisting violently. "That b--bastard gets everywhere."

"He's annoying like that," Sam agrees. "Where do you want this box?"

"Desk," Bucky says shortly. "Thanks, Sam." The words are heartfelt, if somewhat inadequate. Sam knows better than most how frustrated he still gets, though, so he thinks he can be forgiven.

Sam's smile is genuine. "No problem, man." He reaches over to give Bucky's shoulder a careful squeeze. "Feel free to call or text me whenever you need to rant, or need a distraction. I'm not as good as Tony at rambling, but I'm sure I can find something to go on about."

Bucky smiles back. "Thanks," he says. "Tell him." He hesitates, his gut clenching. "Tell him to st--stay away from me."

"I will," Sam promises, expression solemn. It's an easy promise to make, because he was already planning on giving Steve a similar warning. Now he doesn't have to feel even slightly guilty about doing it behind Bucky's back.

* * *

Natasha barely looks up when Steve walks in later that night, and goes back to fiddling with the microwave she's definitely not supposed to have in here. "What's up with your face?" she asks mildly. "Don't tell me you ran into Barnes already."

"Not exactly," Steve says, dropping onto the other side of Natasha's bed when Clint moves his feet out of the way. "Sam. Who was apparently with him earlier, and told me I need to stay away from him."

Natasha straightens up very quickly. "He said that?"

Steve nods. "I can't blame him," he admits. "Bucky and I used to be close, but now we can't get within ten feet of each other without arguing."

Natasha exchanges a look with Clint. "Do you want to stay away from him?"

"What I want is to go back to the summer before freshman year and fix this whole thing, but - " He interrupts himself with a sigh. "Well, that's not going to happen. I don't know, maybe it is time to just give this whole mess with him up. I don't think we'll ever fix it." 

"Well you certainly won't with that kind of attitude," Natasha grumbles, but Clint speaks before Steve can respond.

"What you need is a distraction," he says, already swiping through his phone. "And someone to talk to who doesn't know all about your gory history."

Steve raises an eyebrow. "What do you have in mind?"

"Do not suggest a dating site," Natasha says, not quite scandalised, but Clint just waves a hand.

"No no, nothing like that." Steve's phone pings and Clint puts his own away. "It's a forum. For people who have conditions that make it hard to communicate. Don't look at me like that, it's actually pretty funny."

Steve finds it hard to wipe the look 'like that' off of his face even as he clicks on the link. "Seriously? You think talking to some random people online is what is going to fix this?"

"No," Clint says, while Natasha snorts. "But it'll give you something else to do."

Steve eyes Clint suspiciously for another moment before he gives in. "Alright. I'll give it a try."

Clint grins. "It's mostly just a spot to bitch about how ableist people can be, but sometimes you find a gem on there."

Steve chuckles at that. "Okay, fine. I'll poke around a bit tonight, okay? For now, I want to watch crappy cheesy movies and bitch about school."

Natasha grins and pops the microwave open. "How convenient," she says. "Popcorn's ready."

* * *

Steve doesn't go to any floor but his own for the next couple of days, and while he takes the stairs as much as possible, he always keeps his head down and doesn't look around; he doesn't want to start anything with Bucky while he's still pondering the other bit of advice that Sam had given him when he'd delivered his warning. When he has free time, however, Steve is exploring the forum that Clint pointed him to. He had to register to view anything - CaptainAmerica1945, after his mom's favorite superhero - and while he hasn't posted anything yet, even in the Introduction board, he can definitely see the appeal. 

He's contemplating making his first post, as a matter of fact, when he and Bucky run into each other - almost literally. Steve's going up the stairs while Bucky is coming down, and as he turns the corner of the landing, Steve has to perform some fancy footwork to keep from running into Bucky. "Sorry," he says automatically, then freezes when he sees who he just managed to avoid. "Oh. Um."

"Watch it," Bucky grunts. "Christ, I thought you were deaf, not. Not blind."

"Oh fuck you," Steve retorts. "You weren't watching where you were going, either, asshole."

"Whatever," Bucky says, already walking away. "Bye, Steve."

Habit almost has Steve calling after Bucky to continue the argument, to yell pointless words at each other - but he stops himself. Sam told him he needs to decide what he wants to do with this situation, and since he'd echoed Steve's own thoughts, Steve figures he should listen to Sam. He hasn't made that decision yet, so he settles for muttering something uncomplimentary under his breath and continuing up the stairs back to his dorm. 

* * *

That night, after he's made a decent dent into his homework, Steve finds himself drifting back towards the forum. He makes a decision, and signs in, opening a new thread in the Introduction board. 

_Hello! So a friend in my dorm recommended this forum to me; he's nearly completely deaf, and I am not much better lol Pretty much complete loss of hearing in my left ear from an illness when I was young(after being born partially deaf in that ear). Been lurking for a few days here, decided to go ahead and throw this post up here._

He gets quite a few responses, mostly a lot of _hey_ and _welcome!_ and plenty of smiley faces, but nothing comes through that particularly catches his eye or gives him anything more than a general impression of how friendly the community is. He also, after about ten minutes, gets a response from Clint.

_- **HawkeyeTargetAce:** how did ik ud go for that lame-ass username i s2g ur such a nerd :| jk ly xoxoxo_

Steve is laughing and about to type a cutting response when the thread refreshes and he finds that someone else has done it for him.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** With a username like that I dont think youre in the position to call anyone a nerd  >.>_

Steve laughs even harder, because Clint is honestly one of the biggest nerds that Steve knows these days, and quickly opens the quick reply box. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Right? Also, loving the way you had to highlight the pun in your user :p_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Not one of my most creative moments, admittedly, but im betting it made you smile, right? ;)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Maybe just a little lol So are you suggesting you actually have creative moments?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I dont think youre in any position to call me out on that either, Mr CaptainAmerica1945. Seriously?? Lucky youre deaf or youd be able to hear me laughing from wherever you are_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** oooo burn!!_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Oh, ASSman's got jokes, nice. Yeah no my creativity is more... let's say visual than literary haha And Hawk, you should know what a burn is considering who you hang around with and how often we do it to you_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Oooo burn_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** :(((_

* * *

The next few weeks are some of the best Steve's had in a long time. He manages to avoid Bucky - and the inevitable pointless arguments - for the most part, and the people he meets on the forum Clint recommended to him are really nice. He gets along well with them, but none better than DA - because their username is a mouthful, and doesn't present any better nicknames - and pretty soon they're what Steve considers well on their way to becoming fast friends. 

Apparently people think something a little different, if Clint's latest post is anything to go by. Steve started a thread on the Communication Difficulties board bitching about one of his classmates who was an ass about Steve's hearing aid and was heckling a couple of other students for their respective difficulties - one of them is autistic, and Steve had been _this_ close to punching the asshole out today - and DA chimed in after a few other replies with his own stories, and the two of them go back and forth a couple of times before Clint intervenes. 

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** gdi u 2 were trying 2 have a v srs  & important conversation over here!!!! flirt on ur own time :O_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Rude._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** He might have a point tho ;)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Dude, I'm flattered, but I'm a college student I don't **have** any of my own time! Might be tempted to try making some tho..... _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Dude im a student too, i know them feels :/ if you wanna take this to PMs tho, I wouldnt say no ;)_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** :OOO_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** cap??????_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** CAP DID I JUST GET U CYBER LAID_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** UR WELCOME!!!!!!_

Steve had managed to switch his attention to homework before seeing DA's reply, and he doesn't check the thread again until nearly an hour later; when he does, he laughs at Clint and then opens a private message to DA. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** So I ended up distracted by homework(a rare occurrence, had to take advantage of it) but now I'm thinking I'm just not gonna reply to that thread for a while, let Hawk freak out some more. You in? :p _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** hells yeah. Youre not actually getting cyber laid tho. Im not that kinda girl ;)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** lmao I'd still respect you if you were ;) but the flirting is fun if that's what we're doing here _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I think so. If youre okay with that :)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Yeah, I am :) so you come here often? XD _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** That was awful, cap :/ Ive changed my mind_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** noooo don't leave me to break the news to hawk that we've broken up :( _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Fiiiine. He prob couldnt handle the stress ;p_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** He probably couldn’t, and what’s worse he can come to my dorm and bug me about it lmao So if you don’t like my lines, what’s yours?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I dont need lines, darlin ;)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** You do realize that **that** is a line right? :p _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Well youre PMing me for a reason.. you must like it ;)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I don't do anything - or anyone - I don't like :p ;)_

* * *

"Well that was a bunch of laughs," Bucky says darkly as he lets himself and Tony into his dorm room. It's a long walk back to campus from the local hospital, but this is the first time he's spoken since they left. "I'm so-- so sick of this."

Tony makes a sympathetic noise, putting the takeout they'd grabbed on the way back on Bucky's desk. "I know, believe me. After my heart surgery, _everything_ fucking sucked. Couldn't hardly walk some days after my sessions."

"This is n--never going to get b--better, though," Bucky points out. He grinds his teeth and tries again. "Any of it."

"But you don't want it getting worse, right?" Tony asks, sorting through the food. "Some mobility is better than none at all, and who knows? Everyone told me I was damned lucky to survive that surgery, and that I'd never be able to walk for long periods of time without assistance because of the reduced heart-rate, and look at me now. Took a lot of work, but unless I'm literally on my feet all day, I don't need to take a break or use my cane or slow down."

"Good for you," Bucky says, but he doesn't sound as annoyed as he means to. He sighs and ambles over to grab his share of the food, one-handed. "Saw St-- Steve the other day."

"Do I need to go set DUM-E on his ass?" Tony asks immediately. The notoriously glitchy(yet surprisingly helpful) robot is one of Tony's first robotics engineering projects, and no matter how many times it gets him or bystanders with its fire extinguisher, he refuses to patch every little glitch. 

"Nah," Bucky sighs. "He's just-- just avoiding me. Like, he actually walked into a w--wall on Tuesday."

Tony blinks. “He... walked into a wall. So now he’s being obnoxious about _avoiding_ you? Jesus Christ, what an ass.”

Bucky snorts. "Pretty m--much," he agrees. "Wish I knew what the. The fuck his problem is."

Tony shrugs. "You're the one with history, not me," he points out. "I didn't know Rogers until after I started hanging out with you. Didn't you say you told Sam to tell him to stay away from you, though?"

"Yeah," Bucky says, "but that just means l--leave me alone, not knock himself out trying to-- to avoid me."

Tony shrugs. "Maybe he's going too far with trying to make sure he leaves you alone. Either way, fuck him. If he's gonna be an obnoxious bastard then I guess it's up to you to remind him how a normal person goes about ignoring someone."

Bucky rolls his eyes. "Wh--whatever," he says. "Let's talk about something else."

#

”Sure,” Tony says easily. “You want to go see a movie this weekend? Heard that new _Shape of Water_ movie is coming to the theater nearby and that it’s really good.”

Bucky perks up, though it's a visible effort for him to do so. "Sure," he says, "okay. S--sounds good."

"Great," Tony says with a grin. "I think there's a later showing tonight we can go to, or we can just veg out here and go to a matinee tomorrow, whichever you feel like."

"Tonight," Bucky decides. "I need the-- the distraction."

"Works for me," Tony agrees. "I'll double check the time while we eat."

* * *

The movie starts at seven-twenty, and with the theater about a twenty minute walk away, Tony and Bucky leave the dorm a bit before seven. Right as they're heading through the lobby, however, Steve comes in. Tony hopes maybe Steve will stay absorbed in his phone, but then he looks up, and Tony braces himself. He glares at Steve, trying (not very hard) to not be obvious about it, but Steve clearly still notices. He has the grace to flush, at least - then he makes a wide, deliberate circle around Tony and Bucky, head all but turned to the side as he _edges_ past them. Tony actually comes to a stop, staring. "Jesus Christ," he mutters. "You weren't fucking kidding."

"N--nope," Bucky says. He's tense all over, almost trembling with the effort to keep himself in check. "Careful, Tony. I might have the plague."

"Probably caught it from me," Tony says cheerfully, giving Steve one last glare and turning away with a satisfied smirk when Steve's ears go red. "Don't mind him, he's just being an obnoxious ass like usual. C'mon, sooner we get out of here, sooner we can forget him."

Bucky just huffs and follows Tony from the building.

* * *

Because he is a child and a petulant one at that, Bucky goes straight online as soon as he gets back from the movie and starts writing.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Saw my asshole ex today. If you can call him my ex. He's definitely an asshole, tho. And the worst thing about it is that i couldnt even chew him out the way i wanted to. Cant even get half a sentence out around him, let alone what i actually want to say to him. Idk, i guess Im just frustrated and wanted to vent. I hate my disability most days, but I never hate it more than when I look at his face. Hope youre all having a better day than I am._

He hits post before he can think better of it, and then clicks off the screen. He needs more funny cat videos in his life. He barely gets through three before his phone tells him he's gotten a reply to the new thread he made. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** That sucks, man; I haven't had an asshole 'ex', but I understand the frustration of not being able to tell someone exactly what you think of them to their face. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Right????? I hate it. I feel so small every time I see him. Sth tells me not a lot stops you from speaking your mind tho, Cap. What gives?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** The fact that I usually get so worked up I can't even speak, and end up switching to sign - and then the effect of the rant is lost because whoever I'm yelling at doesn't understand what I'm saying. Or, more embarrassingly, I end up angry crying because the things I yell about usually mean a lot to me, and I used to be able to keep it cool but not anymore :/ but yeah I understand the frustration, and typing it out never really works for getting it all out does it? _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Nope. God knows ive written him so many letters. Can never get it to sound right.... Guess that means even if i could talk to him i wouldnt know what to say_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Not right now, anyway. But if you keep searching, someday you'll find the right words. I'm sure they'll be ones angry enough to make his ears fall off even if he just reads them :) _

A few moments later, a notification pops up in Bucky's private message inbox. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Seriously, you ok man? From what I've been able to gather you weren't born with whatever brought you here, and I know it's a huge frustration and adjustment for people making that later in life. If you want to talk I'm always willing to lend an ear :) _

Bucky smiles and finally abandons his funny cat videos.

 _ **DeadlyASSassin:** just the one tho, bc i heard on the grapevine youre deaf as fuck in the other ;) No srsly thank you. Im fine tho. Just pissed off. How r you?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** omfg srsly fuck you man XD but I'm good, got called out for being an ass earlier tho but tbf I deserved it so what can you do except listen and try to do better lol what're you doing now? Distracting yourself somehow I hope :) _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I was watching funny cat vids but tbh talking to you is better. I can zone out on cats, you at least keep me on my toes_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Somehow that doesn't exactly sound like a compliment lol maybe a backhanded one :p but srsly I'm glad you enjoy my virtual company haha have you seen that video where there's like giraffes that go high diving and do a swim routine in a giant pool? _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Uhh no can you send me a link???_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** https://youtu.be/lRYSOJOoHXA it's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever watched and thus the greatest lol one of my friends had family visiting and his two year old cousin demanded I watch it with her like fifteen times in a row _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I can see why. Holy shit. Consider me entertained for the rest of the night_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** lol have fun! :p _

* * *

This time Natasha does knock before she barges into Steve's room, but since he's either ignoring her or once again without a hearing aid, she lets herself in anyway. "Hey!" she barks. "Rogers! We need to talk."

Steve pulls his earphones out from where he'd been listening to a lecture he recorded earlier that week and give Natasha a curious look. "What about?"

"About Barnes," Natasha says, with impressive levels of patience. "Steve, what are you doing?"

"What are you talking about?" Steve asks, but the way he suddenly becomes engrossed with his laptop screen says he already has a pretty good idea. 

"You're acting like an idiot," Natasha tells him. "Sam told you to stay away from him, sure. But that doesn't mean this. Christ."

Steve sighs and closes his laptop after saving his work. "I know," he groans. "I'm sorry, it's just - I have to make myself _not_ talk to him, and I end up going over the top."

Natasha considers him for a long moment. "If you actually want to talk to him, what do you want to say?"

”A lot of things he probably wouldn’t let me,” Steve says, frowning. “Pretty much all of them I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying to anyone but him.”

Natasha sighs. "Rogers," she says. "Steve. You can't keep doing this. If it's even possible, you're making it _worse._ "

Steve shrugs. "What happened is between us, but he's made his opinion of me perfectly clear. I don't think it _can_ get worse."

"You're making him feel like shit," Natasha says flatly. "And you're not making yourself feel any better. I would define that as worse."

"Well, then what do you suggest?"

Natasha's mouth tightens. "We're going out for drinks on Friday. All of us. Clint, Sam, Riley, Stark, Pepper. You. And Barnes. And you're _going_ to be nice."

Steve blinks. "I... I'm assuming I don't get a choice in this, even if I promise to be better at ignoring him?"

"Nope." Natasha smiles, but it's cold and promises violence. "You can ignore him all you want, but you're going to learn to do it in the same room as him."

Steve hesitates, but gives in. "Alright, fine. What time?"

"Seven thirty." Natasha smirks. "And if you're late, I'll make sure every seat in the bar is taken except the one next to him."

Steve glares at Nat, but it's more petulant than angry. "Fine," he grumbles. "I'll set an alarm. Now leave me alone so I can finish my homework."

Natasha stands and blows him a kiss. "Remember that I love you," she tells him. "Remember that I also love him." And then she leaves.

* * *

Natasha doesn't leave the dorm just yet, however. Instead, she goes up a floor to knock on Bucky's door. "Barnes," she calls. "I need to ask you something."

Bucky drags himself to the door after only a moment's hesitation, and opens it to glare at Natasha. "What."

"Are you busy Friday night?" she asks brightly. 

Bucky narrows his eyes at her. "I'm sure I can find s--something," he says. "Why?"

"Because you're going out with me and some of my friends," Natasha says cheerfully, but the look she gives Bucky is the same one she gave Steve moments ago. 

Bucky sighs and steps back from the door. "Right," he says. "What's the catch?"

"Steve's going to be there," Natasha says. "But I've already told him what will happen if he acts like an ass."

Bucky's jaw tightens, and he can already feel his throat closing up. "Wh--which is?"

"Remember what I did to Loki when he interrupted my date with Clint? I'm thinking something similar to that."

Bucky rolls his eyes. "I'm not-- not talking to him," he warns. "Or anyone."

”That’s alright,” Natasha reassures him. “I can let the others know, if you want?”

Bucky hesitates, then gives her a short, jerky nod. "Thanks."

”No problem,” Natasha says with a smile. “We’ll see you then.”

* * *

Steve might actually kill Clint, regardless of what Natasha would do to him in retaliation. When Clint had caught him checking his phone - in vain, he knew, because DA had mentioned he was going to be busy tonight as well - for the fifteenth time in as many minutes, he’d sent Steve up to the bar to get more drinks; Steve hadn’t been paying attention, had ended up next to Bucky at the bar, and given him a small “Hey,” and an awkward nod, only to be completely ignored as Bucky tried to drill holes into the television over the bar that was currently playing a soccer game. It stung, but Steve ignored it, gathered the drinks, and made his way back to the table. 

Then Clint had done it again, and again, and _again._ Steve’s pretty sure that Sam’s in on it, too; he saw Sam talking to Bucky before Bucky headed up to the bar, and by the end of the night, Steve is _just_ frustrated enough to do something that he’s probably going to regret. As they’re leaving the bar, Steve carefully maneuvers into place beside Bucky. “So,” he says casually, trying his best to ignore how his heart is hammering at him and his brain is flashing neon warning signs with Nat’s glare on them, “are we really so bad we can’t even do an awkward ‘hey’?”

Bucky grinds his teeth together. He knows that Clint and Sam only mean well, but really, they should know better. He quickens his pace only so that he can get slightly ahead of Steve, and then swings round in front of him and comes to a dead stop. _Look,_ he signs, his hands moving in fast, jerky movements in front of Steve's face, _this is the first time you've spoken to me since you started literally walking into walls in your efforts to avoid me, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't feel like making idle smalltalk at the bar._

 _I only started walking into walls because for the past few years every time we caught sight of each other we'd say something sarcastic, and it became a habit,_ Steve argues, glaring at Bucky. _One I had to break cold turkey, thanks to you and Sam. You know I'm shit at multitasking. Had to focus on not sniping at you, lost track of where I was._

 _You're an asshole,_ Bucky signs, furious. _Make all the excuses you want, but you've been acting like a tool. I'm not the bad guy here, Steve._

 _Oh, yeah, sure,_ Steve signs, packing as much sarcasm into the roll of his eyes as he can. _Because I'm the one who froze you out every time you tried to get in touch with me. I fucked up, Bucky, but it wasn't just me that got us into this mess._

Bucky huffs, shakes his head. _You're unbelievable. Just leave me alone, all right? Even if we're stood next to each other. Don't talk to me._

 _How long will everyone else be satisfied with that?_ Steve retorts, but then shakes his own head. "Whatever," he mutters. "I'll see you around, Buck." And before he can do anything else he'll regret, Steve turns on his heel and heads back to the bar. 

* * *

Natasha forces them to socialise three more times after that, and each is more awkward than the last. Bucky and Steve don't make eye contact even once the fourth time, and Bucky refuses to speak to anyone until Steve leaves. The only thing that keeps him from wanting to murder everyone around him is that Cap has been very chatty recently, and they're getting along really well. Cap seems to be dealing with his own awkward social life; they've been bonding over GIFs of explosions and crying emojis, depending on the situation. It doesn't matter how shit his day has been - Cap always makes him smile.

He's not smiling now as he dawdles up the stairs to his room from Nat's, phone in hand while he checks his messages. Steve wasn't there tonight, he wasn't invited, so he's had a pretty good evening, but if the GIF of the sad cat is anything to go by, Cap hasn't been so lucky. Bucky dodges a couple of girls coming down that he almost walks straight into and pauses outside of his door to respond.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Aw babe, slow night?? Or did you have to suffer through more drinks w Team Cap?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Slow night. Gave me time to think yknow? Kinda got caught up in my head _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Yeah? What about??_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Well.... There's an... ex of mine. I was the asshole ex in this equation, but we both fucked up. I started it, though. Made some bad decisions, didn't treat him the way I should've. It's been a while, and... I kind of want to reconcile with him? At least enough to where I can apologize for what I did without him storming off as soon as I open my mouth. _

Bucky lets himself in and gets himself settled on the bed while he thinks about that, about how it makes him feel. He can't put a name to the emotions that he wants to face up to, however, so he settles for messaging back.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Oh really? Do you wanna get back together, or?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I don't know if that would be possible. Like I said, we both did things wrong but I fucked up in the first place. But the way things are now, we act like we hate each other. I don't think it's any more true for him than it is for me, but I just want to let him know that I don't hate him, and that I do regret what I did. But anytime I try to even say 'hi' he either completely ignores me or starts an argument. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Depending on what happened, i guess that might be understandable. Are you prepared for the fact that even if he listens, he might not want to speak to you?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** It sounds selfish ik but I just want him to know I'm genuinely sorry. And if he doesn't want to talk to me after that, that's his choice and I'll respect it, but I want to... idk I guess clear the air? We haven't actually had a conversation in years, and I can't help but feel like that's part of the problem. But I don't want to just give up on this and ignore him completely from now on. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Well is there sth you can do about can do about it right now?? Or soon?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** idk it depends on our mutual friends lol they've been trying to get us to at least be in the same room and ignore each other for the past couple of months. I don't care try to approach him on my own tho, didn't go so well the last few times I tried. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I know this means a lot to you, but maybe wait a bit? See if he comes to you. If youre spending a lot of time together, he might. Give him some time to get used to you again_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** You probably have a point lol maybe I should just quit thinking about this for a bit too bad my dorm doesn't allow alcohol cuz I don't feel like going out lmao _

Bucky glances longingly towards his closet and the bottle of vodka stashed at the back of it. Maybe Cap is onto something.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Do it anyway. Whos going to tell?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** idk it's kinda late where I am. It's Friday night too don't know that I feel like dealing with the crowds. Maybe I'll just steal hawk's ice cream from his room and go binge the great British baking show on Netflix lmao _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Bake off. Jfc cRap get it right_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** wow you're still calling me names after I just poured my heart out to u rude :( just for that I won't give you commentary :p _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** nuuuuu your obsession w mel and sue is what i live for, its too cute D:_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** then don't be mean to me when I'm being emotionally vulnerable lmao brb gonna go pick the lock on hawk's door before he gets back _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Badass lock picking skills AND adorable love of baking shows???? Be still my fuckin heart_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** HA I mean I can pick locks(tbh it's not that hard) but ik where he keeps his spare key so _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** well thats cheating and i dont find you as sexy anymore_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Well there go my plans to send you nudes lol don't send them to people who don't appreciate my ingenuity XD _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** :(((( Youre an awful tease, Cap. Lucky i like you_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** lmao feelings mutual :) _

Bucky sends him a GIF of Spongebob blowing a kiss and calls it good.

* * *

That's not the last late-night conversation they have; with the way both of their school schedules are picking up, they have to wait longer between replies. Steve takes DA's advice, backing off of trying to interact with Bucky. He still doesn't totally ignore him, but he doesn't approach Bucky at all, just a hand raised in acknowledgement at the beginning of the outing. It seems to work a bit; Bucky no longer looks like he's going to break from the tension between his shoulders. They stay on opposite sides of the room and barely look at each other, but Natasha and Sam seem satisfied with that for now. 

Steve's just gotten back from an outing when he finally gets a chance to check his PMs He doesn't have anything from DA since they last talked earlier that afternoon, and after a moment's hesitation he sends a message off. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Hey, you okay? Homework not kicking your ass or anything? _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** no more than usual. Im fine, just been busy. How are you?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I'm okay; just got back from a night out with some friends. You sure you're alright?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** yeah. same tbh._

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Big gathering with your friends? You don't sound too excited about it _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** it was ok. Its difficult to talk to anyone these days, especially in big groups_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Ohh yeah :/ I get a bit of that, too. Have to ask people to repeat things even when I've got my hearing aids in if it's crowded enough, makes me want to just go sit in a corner and not interact with anyone else._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I hate it. Ever since the accident, if i get flustered or overwhelmed i just cant speak. Some of my friends know asl but i cant really do that either. And its not just going out with friends. How am i going to get a job like this???? Or meet someone.._

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Well there’s plenty of jobs where you don’t have to speak a lot - or at all, if you get something where you can communicate through emails. A lot of employers would be accomodating, I’m sure. As for meeting someone... That’s a bit tougher, because in some ways there’s more on the line there, and you can’t always just let them come to you._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I can hardly go out and get someone like this, can I? Id be laughed out the door, and that's even if i could actually get a sentence out. Sometimes i just want to lock myself in my room and never come out again_

A moment later, Steve's phone chimes with another message.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Sorry, that was overly dramatic. I just feel so trapped by this_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** If they laugh you out the door then they’re an asshole who doesn’t deserve you anyway. And you don’t need to apologize; I get it. There were some days, growing up, where I actually did do that. I just couldn’t deal with either being ignored because ‘he won’t hear us anyway’ or the other students mocking me, or the pitying looks I got from teachers when I had to ask for extra help outside of class so they could re-explain something I couldn’t hear properly during class._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** That really sucks. I need some help in classes now, but most of it I manage to get from my friends rather than the tutors. I probably wouldnt be able to keep my major if i asked for the amount of help i actually need :p but maybe ill learn to live with it??? It feels like its been forever since the accident but it hasnt been that long really_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I was born with some hearing loss, but it got worse as I grew up. I learned to live with it, but that’s over 20yrs of experience :p_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Amazing. So, allowing extra time for having already grown up "normal", i should be right as rain by the time im, what, 50?? Fuck me_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I think you’ll be fine long before then. tbh the most important thing is to find people you trust, who can at least not be assholes about your disability. They need to know what you need them to do, and will help you without making a huge deal of it._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** tbh i have that. Most of the friends i had before the accident have stuck with me. And im grateful, dont get me wrong. Im so grateful for all of them_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Good. Romance isn't everything, but friendship is. You need your friends and family before you need a romantic partner. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I know that. But a guy can dream right?_

Steve hesitates, not wanting to give the wrong message here, but also wanting to give more reassurance than just words. Eventually, he presses send. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** yeah :) and for what it's worth I do hope you find someone one day, but just remember that it's not necessary for you to be happy. ox _

Then panics and sends another message immediately after. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Feel free to ignore the x btw won't be offended _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I didnt think you meant it seriously lmao_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** but if you did its fine x_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Oh good :) Glad I didn't freak you out lol x_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Not at all :p is it freaking you out? x_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Not at all x I uh... Hell this may freak you out, but I feel like I've gotten close to you a lot faster than anyone else in a long time. I really enjoy your company :) (virtual tho it may be haha) _

DA's reply takes several minutes to come through, and Steve is just starting to freak out when his phone chimes again.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** No freak-outs here. I feel exactly the same. I'd really like to get to know you better_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Oh good :D ngl you had me scared I went too far for a moment there lmao but yeah I'd rlly like that too xo _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Then forget about too far. Let's just see where we end up x_

* * *

After that conversation, the flirting doesn't stop, and neither do the little 'x's at the end of their messages. But they do more than flirt; their conversations drift from casual to serious to flirtatious and back to casual as easily as breathing, and Steve is starting to think maybe there might really be something between them. There's potential, at least. 

He doesn't tell anyone else about the development yet, not even Clint. It still feels too new for him to share. Selfish, perhaps, but he just wants to keep this between him and DA for now. Which means he has absolutely no excuse whenever Nat or Sam decide to come and drag him out to some gathering or other. Tonight, it's at Sam's apartment, and he warns Steve that Bucky will be there, too. 

Steve manages to avoid Bucky by staying glued to his phone as everyone gathers around the college football game on the television. Bucky seems to be doing the same, which is why Steve feels safe going to the kitchen for a drink refill - and is promptly surprised when he turns at the sound of footsteps to see Bucky entering the kitchen. "Oh," he says dumbly, stepping off to the side. _Sorry. I was just getting ready to leave._

 _It's okay._ Bucky knows his signing is awkward, but he's putting a lot of effort into making sure Steve doesn't notice. _I wanted to talk to you._

Steve knows he looks as surprised as he feels. _You did?_

Bucky hesitates - but he's come this far. _Yeah. Don't you think this is dumb?_

 _Which part of all this specifically?_ Steve asks, mouth twisted into a rueful smile. 

_The part where we're driving our friends and each other crazy with all this fucking hostility between us._

Steve frowns. _Yeah, it is kind of dumb,_ he agrees. _Why are you bringing it up?_

_Because it needs to stop._ Bucky sighs. _Nat and the others have made it pretty damn clear that they're done accommodating our need to never set eyes on each other again, and I'm pretty sure our determination to ignore each other anyway is starting to piss them off. So we need something new._

Steve's eyes go wide. _What do you mean?_ he asks; privately, he's hoping that Bucky wants to put this aside, that this is the opportunity Steve's been praying for since freshman year, but he doesn't dare say that aloud.

 _A truce,_ Bucky signs, his jaw tight with the pain. _We can be civil when we're all together, surely._

 _Sure,_ Steve signs as he swallows back the disappointment. _Yeah, I'm sure we can do that._

Bucky nods sharply. _Good. I guess I'll see you in there._

 _Yeah, see you._ Steve watches Bucky go, and once he's sure that Bucky's out of earshot, he takes in a deep breath that comes out shakily. "Idiot," he mutters at himself, hand twitching towards his phone - but he doesn't pull it out. He needs another moment to get himself pulled together, so he abandons his drink in the kitchen and heads toward the bathroom. Just a moment; that's all he needs. Then he can go out there and be civil at Bucky.

* * *

Things don't exactly get easier after that, or any less awkward, but they do change. Bucky and Steve manage to communicate a little better during group gatherings, mostly through sign language and Steve doesn't seem to notice that Bucky very rarely speaks to anyone at all, and Steve has stopped walking into walls whenever they bump into each other on the stairs. They still don't speak unless they have to on those occasions, but they manage little half-smiles and short nods of acknowledgement, and it's certainly an improvement. Still, it's a challenge, and Bucky often finds himself exhausted after a night spent with Steve and his friends.

One consistently good thing is his relationship with Cap. They talk almost constantly now, and they've found that they live in the same state, even if they haven't quite worked up the courage to talk about which colleges they go to yet. Bucky thinks it's only a matter of time. He knows Clint gave him the link to that forum half as a joke, half out of genuine concern and hope that Bucky could use it to vent his frustrations and get some advice, but honestly, Cap is the best thing that's happened to him since the accident. Hell, since he started college. Their friendship is definitely going somewhere neither of them really expected, but from what Cap has told him, he's just as excited and hopeful as Bucky. They both know it may never go any further than private messages on a forum - but then again, it just might.

Bucky is kind of wishing it already had. If he and Cap were friends in the real world, Cap would definitely have his back right now. Instead, he has to face up to Sam on his own, and with the subject of Steve at the centre of their argument, it's proving rather difficult.

"Look," Sam is saying, "we've had this games night in the works for at least two months. You were really excited! And you and Steve have been okay for a good couple of weeks now. It's going to be fine."

"It's n--not," Bucky insists, glaring. He's incredibly mindful of the fact that they're standing in the middle of the pathway that leads to the library, but for the most part people are just walking by them, oblivious. "You-- you don't understand, Sam. Steve. St--Steve-- Steve is _fine_ , wh--whatever, but it _hurts_ me to t--talk to him."

Steve, who has just left the library after a rather unsuccessful attempt at finishing an essay due in less than twenty-four hours, pauses when he hears that. What does Bucky mean, it _hurts_ him to talk to Steve? Does he really hate Steve that much? Steve hesitates before making his presence known. "Hey," he says, shrugging his book bag strap higher onto his shoulder and offering the two of them a tight smile. "Thought my ears were burning for some reason."

The bottom drops out of Bucky's stomach, and he forces himself to turn, raise his hands to sign awkwardly. _Steve. This isn't a good time._

"Bullshit," Sam says, not unkindly. "It's the perfect time. You two need to talk."

Steve hesitates; he doesn't really want to risk the tentative peace he and Bucky have built, but... _What did you mean? That it hurts you to talk to me._

Bucky rolls his eyes. _Not that, Steve,_ he signs, though it's not entirely the truth. _I'm not that dramatic._

 _Then what did you mean by it?_ Steve presses. 

Bucky glances at Sam, who just claps him on the shoulder and gives him a little push towards Steve. "You two are gonna go to Starbucks and you're gonna talk," he says. "I can come with, but you need to communicate, even if you never speak to each other again. This has gone on long enough."

He's right, and Bucky knows it. He sighs. "You d--don't have to-- to come," he says. "It'll be f--fine."

So Steve hadn't imagined the stutter; he'd thought he'd misheard it, since he was just far enough away when they'd been talking that his hearing aid hadn't picked everything up flawlessly. "I think we can manage a conversation over one coffee," he says quietly, giving Bucky an uncertain smile. "Probably won't be the easiest thing we've ever done, though."

Bucky just huffs, shoves his hands in his pockets, and starts walking. "Get m--moving, punk."

Steve ignores the nickname - because if he doesn't, he's going to end up overthinking it - and does as told, leading the way almost all the way across campus to the Starbucks in the cafeteria. He waits until they've each gotten their drinks and settled at a chair in a corner of the cafe before he speaks again. "So," he says slowly, idly swirling the drink in his hand to have something else to focus on. "Sam seems to think we've got some things to talk about."

Now that they're here, Bucky can't seem to stop his hands from shaking - which means he has to talk. Great. "Yeah, I g--guess," he says vaguely, praying for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

Steve hesitates, wondering which of the various elephants in the room he should address and how. "How long have you had the stutter?" he asks quietly, figuring he doesn't have a whole lot to lose by asking bluntly.

Bucky's right hand clenches into a fist. "S--sophomore year," he says. "There was an-- an accident."

Steve's eyes widen, and he sucks in a deep breath. "How badly were you hurt?" he asks, chest aching at the thought of what Bucky might have gone through - what he is apparently still going through. 

Bucky shrugs. "H--hospital for a few weeks," he says. "I'm f--fine now, mostly. Except." He gestures vaguely towards his mouth. "And, my-- my arm. Got pretty f--fucked up."

"That's what you meant," Steve realizes. "It hurts to sign for long conversations."

Bucky tries to answer, but when his tongue fails him, he just nods.

"Why didn't you say something?" Steve asks, barely restraining from making the question an all-out demand. "I get why not Sam or Nat, since it's not their thing to tell, but if it was hurting you to sign..."

Bucky grits his teeth. _It only hurts if I do it too much,_ he signs. _And I'd rather talk to you like this._

Steve has a pretty good guess as to why. _Okay. Why didn't you say something before, though?_

_What was I supposed to say? We weren't exactly friends, Steve._

Steve sighs, because Bucky is right. They weren't friends then, aren't even friends now. _But I don't - didn't - hate you, even back then._ He hesitates, then adds, _Would you have ever told me, if I hadn't heard you and Sam today?_

 _I don't know,_ Bucky answers honestly. _I didn't know how to._

Steve nods, accepting that answer. An awkward silence falls until Steve clears his throat and asks, _So what now?_

 _I don't know,_ Bucky signs again. He frowns. _Doesn't change anything, does it?_

For all that Steve feels like it has, he can't name _how,_ so he just shakes his head. _I guess not._

Bucky gives him a tight smile. _Then we just carry on._

* * *

The first thing Steve does when he gets back to his dorm, after saying an awkward goodbye to Bucky and making up an even more awkward excuse to not walk back to their building with him, is call his mom. "Steven!" she says brightly when she finally answers. "I was just thinking about you. Y'know, I was almost convinced you'd forgotten you had a mother. How are you, sweetheart?"

“Um. I don’t actually know, right now,” Steve says with an awkward laugh. “I just came back from a talk with Bucky.”

"Bucky," Sarah repeats, and then sighs. "Okay."

”Did you know about the accident?” Steve asks; he’s nowhere near in the mood to beat around the bush, not about this topic.

There's a pause, and then Sarah says, "Yes. You know I still see Winifred and George."

Steve takes in a deep breath through his nose. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"Baby," Sarah says, "I wanted to. I don't care what happened between you after high school, you should have had the chance to be there for him. But it wasn't my call. It waa Bucky's."

"You could have said _something,_ " Steve protests, sinking onto his bed and running a hand through his hair. "I - Mom, just - anything. You could've said something, because I just... I just found out about it - the stutter, his arm, I just found out _today._ I thought Bucky had been avoiding me for two years because he'd decided he couldn't be bothered with me in any way, and then I found out it's because he went through this horrible accident and was afraid of me finding out about the consequences. _I didn't even know he'd been in an accident!_ "

"I'm sorry," Sarah says. "I'm so sorry. I saw Bucky myself, not long after he came out of the hospital. He begged me not to tell you. He _begged_ me. He swore he'd tell you himself, when he was ready. I know it's hard, but at least he's told you now."

"He only told me because Sam pushed him into it," Steve mutters. "After I overheard him saying something about how it hurts him to talk to me."

"Really." Sarah's raised eyebrow is right there in her voice. "Steve, I know this is hard. But even if he needed a push, he still chose to let you in."

Steve takes in a deep breath, lets it out on a sigh. "Two _years,_ Mom. I thought he just... hated me, after we graduated. After we fell out. And instead he's been so worried about how I'd react to something that wasn't his fault that he's been avoiding me to the point where our friends finally decided to all but hold an intervention."

"Well, thank them," Sarah offers. "Whether or not your friends got involved, Bucky wouldn't have told you if he didn't want to. It's been too long. But now it's up to you, sweetheart. Are you going to be there for him?"

"Yes," Steve answers without hesitation. "Of course I will."

"Then go easy on him, and yourself," Sarah says gently. "Support him. He'll give you answers when he's ready."

Steve sighs. "You're probably right," he concedes. "Thanks, Mom."

"I'm proud of you, baby," Sarah tells him. "I love you."

”I love you, too.”

* * *

Steve tries to follow Bucky’s lead. They manage to stay civil, even managing a few short conversations when hanging out with their other friends, but nothing else changes.

Steve mentions that things aren't going well with his ex to DA, but he doesn't give any specifics until a few weeks later, when he's been up for over twenty-four hours, and has been considering the idea he's about to propose for much longer. They've been getting along extremely well lately, easy flirting and easier conversations, and Steve thinks that maybe this idea won't be immediately shot down. 

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** So. I've been thinking. I kinda... want to make things a bit more serious._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** yeah?? Serious how?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I want to meet you _

Steve's phone almost explodes in his hand.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Shit_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I mean not shit i just_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Really???_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Are you sure this is huge_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Yeah I'm sure. Been thinking about it for a while but I'm just sleep deprived enough to bring it up. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** why are you sleep deprived? Are you ok???_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** stupid group project where I'm the only one doing anything as usual x.x but I'll be fine once I get some sleep. But rn I'm good enough to talk _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** This been on your mind a lot?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Yeah for a few weeks. Been kinda turning it over, trying to decide if it was worth rocking the boat yknow? _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Yeah. Ive been asking myself the same thing._

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I think it could be. I really like you, and I think you might like me just as much lol but seriously I just... I want to meet you. If you don't want to, that's fine, but we live in the same state, it's not that big of a state, we could meet up and spend the day together somewhere, see how it goes. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I like you too. A lot. Trust me pal, I want to_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** So... Why don't we?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I guess Im... being a wimp? I dont want this to go south_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I don't either, but I don't think it will. We've already got one big thing out of the way, after all. We already know we are both disabled lol that's one thing we don't have to worry about going badly. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** True..._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Okay. Let's do it!_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** If we dont now then maybe we never will, and then well just end up being sad homo losers who jerk off while having cyber sex with their invisible boyfriends ;p_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** XD yeah that's not exactly the happiest ending I could imagine for us lmao _

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Okay well now that we've decided that maybe we can work out the details tomorrow? Or whenever I wake up bc I'm almost ready to pass out haha _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Sounds like a plan to me. Look after yourself, yeah? Get some sleep x_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** lmao I will xo _

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** You know what just occurred to me tho? We've never given each other our real names. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** No shit. You mean you're not the real Captain America???? :O_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** lmao no I'm not, but like I said it's just something that occurred to me now that we r planning to meet. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Save it. Us meeting is the start of something new. We can introduce ourselves then x_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Mm I like the sound of that :) alright then it can wait x _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Go to sleeeeeeep dumbass x_

* * *

”You’re absolutely sure about this?” Sam asks, frowning. He’s not frowning at Bucky, but at the table between them. They’re in the cafe on campus, drinks between them as Bucky outlines his plans to meet up with Cap in two days. “Do you know what this guy looks like?”

"No," Bucky admits, "but I don't think th--that's important."

"You really trust him this much? I'm not doubting him, or you, I just want you to be safe."

Bucky sighs. "I think it'll be-- be okay," he says. "We've been t--talking for m--most of the year. I know him r--really well; it's just the-- the basic stuff I'm m--missing. And, I don't know. We just. Click."

Sam smiles at that. "Well, I'm glad about that. Bout time you made some more friends, and maybe someone a bit more than a 'friend.'" Grinning, he actually adds in air quotes around the last word. 

Bucky rolls his eyes, but he can't help smiling back. "Thanks," he says. "I'm f--feeling really g--good about this."

"Good, but I still expect you to update me as often as possible," Sam laughs, letting them drift into a companionship silence for several moments. Eventually, he asks, "How have you and Steve been getting along lately?"

Bucky's jaw tightens. "Fine," he says. "S--same as always."

Sam nods agreeably, but he's clearly going somewhere with this. "Do you ever miss the way you used to be? Ever think about trying to get it back?"

If looks could kill, Sam would have just been eviscerated. "N--not an option," he says. "You _kn--know_ what happened, we can't just be-- be _friends_ after that. No matter how much I m--miss him."

"You guys never talked about it," Sam points out, voice quiet. "You never even texted him - and he didn't text you either, I'm not saying his blameless in this, but neither are you. Maybe it's something else you should think about. If nothing else, it'll give the two of you closure and a chance to figure out if you could ever be more than just civil to each other."

Bucky shakes his head. "It's t--too late," he says. "It's been _years_. And I can't -- I can't even say his n--name without--without-- _Fuck_. Sam. I _can't_."

Sam sighs. "I still think it's something you should give some thought to," he says, "but I'll drop it."

"You d--don't understand," Bucky tells him. "I think about it _every_ day."

"Then maybe it's a sign you need closure," Sam suggests. "But anyway, remind me about your plan for meeting Cap again."

* * *

The plan is to meet up in the next town over, grab a coffee and something to eat, and then visit the local museum which is currently playing host to an exhibit that Cap really wants to see. It's innocent enough, and simple, and safe. Bucky shouldn't be this nervous, but his hands are shaking as he pulls out his phone and opens up their messages.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Im here. Are you???_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Almost sorry traffic x.x you by that statue I showed you a pic of? _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Yeah, right underneath it. Hurry x_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** just around the corner lol I'll prob be there as soon as you get this xo see you soon :D _

A swoop of excitement has Bucky's hands shaking for an entirely different reason, and he looks up, grinning. The only thing Cap gave him is that he'll be wearing a baseball cap, because he's hilarious, and Bucky expects to spend a few seconds scanning the crowd, looking for the right man. As it so happens, the right man seems to have already found him.

"Steve."

Steve comes to an almost-stumbling halt as he catches sight of Bucky. "Bucky?" he asks, confused. "What're you doing here?" He glances around, but Bucky is the only guy standing by this statue who isn't clearly older than Steve, and he gets a sinking feeling in his stomach. 

_This isn't happening_ , Bucky thinks desperately, but it is. It is. "You're C--Cap," he spits through clenched teeth. "Is this a-- a joke?"

Steve yanks the baseball cap off of his head, cheeks flushing. "No," he says, looking at Bucky with wide eyes, begging him to believe at least this much. "It's not, I swear - I had no idea that DA was you."

"Fuck," Bucky groans. "I sh--shoulda f--fuckin' known. Can't ever get-- get away from you."

"You think it's any easier for me?" Steve retorts. "Jesus Christ, thought I'd finally fucking moved on from you, thought I was falling for someone else, and he _is_ you."

Bucky stares at him. "You were f--falling for me?"

The red that had just started to fade from Steve's face returns with a vengeance. "Yeah, I mean - yes. I was. I wanted to make things a bit more serious, then suggested we meet up, I was kind of hoping that it would end up a date."

"Jesus Christ," Bucky whispers, and then, louder: "Jesus C-- _Christ_ , I can't b--b--believe this. J--just when I th--thought I could _have_ s--something. It's you. Why-- why is it always _y--you_?"

Steve sighs. "I don't know. I'm - sorry, I guess, though neither of us had any idea who the other was."

But Bucky just shakes his head. "F--forget it," he sighs. "Just, just leave me alone, St--Steve."

Steve hesitates, wants to argue, but he knows that right now, pushing the issue will just do more harm than good. “Alright,” he says, gaze dropping to the ground while his fingers twist in the fabric of his cap. He opens his mouth to say something else, but when he can’t decide _what_ , he closes it again, shakes his head, and turns away.

* * *

The next week is the most awkward Steve’s ever endured. He and Bucky are back to ignoring each other, and multiple times a day Steve will open his phone to send a message to DA about some funny event or image, only to remember that that’s no longer an option, and have his heart seize in his chest. Somehow he makes it through to the next weekend, and then Sam hunts him down in the far back corner of the library. There’s no one else around, but Steve still fixes him with a half-hearted glare and a muttered, “What do you want?”

"To talk," Sam says, dropping into the seat beside him. "What the hell, man?"

”What the hell, what?” Steve asks - almost growls. “You know what happened, and what he told me to do. I’m doing it.”

"But _why?_ "

Steve rolls his eyes. “Because he asked me to. He clearly wants nothing to do with me, Sam. I’m not going to disrespect that.”

"Jesus Christ," Sam mutters, "you guys are fuckin' dumb. Look. I didn't know either of you way back when, but I know what went down after you graduated high school. Steve. _Don't do this again._ "

“What the fuck else am I supposed to do?” Steve demands. “He never let me explain what happened back then, and he barely believes that I didn’t know that it was him all along now.”

"Have you tried to talk to him?" Sam demands. "Actually sought him out and said 'Hey Bucky, I need to talk and you need to listen'?"

”I - No,” Steve admits. “Not since just after the start of freshman year, anyway.”

Sam rolls his eyes. "You know about the accident now; you know why he might not have been too eager to talk to you during sophomore year," he points out. "And now, well."

Steve frowns. "Now what?" 

"Steve, there's a reason he spent all that time signing, okay?"

The frown deepens. "What are you getting at?"

Sam sighs. "The stutter," he says. "It's so much worse whenever he's talking to or about you."

It takes a moment for the implication to sink in, and then Steve blinks. "Wait. You mean - " His gaze drops to his hands, and he's startled to realize he's clenched them into fists so tight his knuckles are white. "Shit," he breathes, forcing his hands to relax. "You're serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious," Sam says. "Do you get what I'm saying now? You need to talk to him. Don't make the same mistake twice."

Steve's still reeling, but he manages to nod. "Okay. I'll - I need to think a bit. But I'll talk to him."

"Good," Sam sighs. He gets to his feet. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah," Steve says absently. "I'll see you later."

* * *

Steve spends a good bit of time mulling over what the conversation with Sam reveals, but when he can’t quite manage to clear his head, he finally gives in and reaches for his laptop. It takes him a bit to determine how he wants to word this, but he needs advice, preferably from someone who isn’t intimately involved with Steve, Bucky, and their situation. He takes his time, careful to keep things vague enough to not give away too much, but enough that, hopefully, someone can give him some useful advice.

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** So, tl;dr: I’ve fucked up, badly. Again. I’m hoping that I can find some way to fix this, because I never meant to hurt this guy, but I still did. I ended up hurt, too(which isn’t exactly new, either), but I’m pretty sure he’s been worsely affected. Any advice?_

He should have known better, because of course Bucky is the first person to respond.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I guess it depends on what exactly it is that you want. It sounds like you've already apologised, right? If the guy still doesn't want anything to do with you, can you blame him?_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** o no_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I apologized for something that wasn't either of our faults, but I've never gotten the chance to apologize for what happened years ago. Pretty sure it's the root of all our problems, but I can't apologize for it when just about any time I open my mouth he jumps down my throat. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Are you overreacting a little? It sounds like you are. It sounds to me like he's just tired of all the bullshit and wants to move on with his life._

_**HawkeyeTargetAce:** guys_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** At least half the bullshit is his own fault, the result of a(n admittedly big) misunderstanding. I'd think he'd rather clear the air so if he's gonna stay pissed at me at least he has all the facts. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** His own fault?????? I dont fucking think so, pal. Youve been pretty fucking awful to him over the years too, so dont act all hard done by._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** And btw, there is NOTHING to misunderstand about the fact that you only think he's worth falling for when you think he's SOMEONE ELSE_

_**HawkeyeTargetAce: not even tryin 2 b subtle now ???** _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** SUCK MY DICK BARTON_

Steve's in the middle of typing out a furious reply when he vaguely registers fast, heavy footsteps coming down the hallway. He definitely hears the knocking that nearly takes down his door, and he's got a good guess as to who's trying to break in. He leaves his laptop on his desk and stomps over to the door, throwing it open so hard it bounces off the wall. "So, finally decided you wanted to fucking do this?" he snarls, glaring at Bucky. 

_Yes,_ Bucky signs, his eyes wild. _It's not like you gave me a choice, did you, Mister Bleeding Fucking Heart. I hate you. I hate you, where the fuck do you get off making it all about how mean I've been to you when this is all your fucking fault?_

Steve grits his teeth. _All my fault? Don't fucking act like this isn't your fault, too. Yeah, I left. Yeah, I got stuck up my own ass having a crisis about what we did. But unless you lost your phone for two and a half months,_ you're _the one who refused to talk to me. You're the one who fucking switched dorms without telling anyone and started avoiding me. You're the one who started making snide remarks whenever I got within twenty feet of you! ___

__

"Because you f--f-- _fucked_ me and you _left!_ " Bucky roars. _Message fucking received, Rogers. Forgive me if I didn't want to hunt you down just to be told to my face that I'm not worth shit._

"I wouldn't have told you that!" Steve roars right back; they're starting to draw a crowd, students poking their heads out of the rooms on the rest of the floor, but Steve barely notices them. "For fuck's sake, if you'd given me half a chance I would've told you I was in love with you! I _left_ because I freaked out after realizing just how deep I was in. Did you completely miss my comment last week about how I thought I'd finally fucking managed to move on from you?"

 _So what?_ Bucky signs, the movement of his hands almost vicious. _You loved me and I still wasn't worth talking to? That's worse, Steve, how can you not see that?_

 _For the love of God, I tried talking to you! I tried texting, I tried calling, hell I even tried to get Becca to give you a message!_ Steve signs back, jaw clenched. _I tried everything I could think of to get in touch with you, and you dodged me at every turn. I took longer than I should have to get my shit together, I admit it. I've never tried to say otherwise. Then I finally thought I could talk to you here, since we were supposed to be rooming together. Only no, you switched dorms. Then I tried talking to you before classes started, and you looked at me like I was shit you'd just stepped in. What the fuck else was I supposed to think after all of that, besides that obviously we made a mistake, then I made another one, and now you hated me for it?_

"I d--do," Bucky tells him, without any conviction. "I do h--hate you."

Steve sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Yeah, well, sometimes I wish I hated you, too," he mutters. _Sure as fuck would have made the last few years a lot easier, instead of being so hung up on you I couldn't even date._

Bucky stares at him. "The f--fuck is tha--that-- that supposed to m--mean?

Steve laughs, but it's humorless. _It means I was still in love with you. Then I thought I was finally moving on when I started talking to DA, only to find out that now I'm double fucked. Still in love with you, and then I fucking fell for you again._

"Well, it s--sucks to be you, S--Steve," Bucky offers. _Not like I'm in exactly the same fucking boat or anything._

Steve frowns, but when he speaks, his voice sounds just as tired as he feels now. "What are you talking about?"

 _I loved you_ , Bucky signs. _I loved you so fucking much. That night was... everything. And that doesn't just switch off, does it? I wanted to hate you. And I thought Cap was how I moved on. But no. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, everything I do. There you fucking are._

Steve stares at Bucky dumbly for a moment before movement down the hall catches his eye. He starts when he realizes that they've drawn basically everyone on this floor, and when he looks back at Bucky and sees a suspicious shine in his eyes, Steve decides they should probably relocate. _Do you want to come in?_ he asks, gesturing behind himself to his room. _Maybe we can finally talk this out in private._

Bucky hesitates, but in the end, he just nods and follows Steve into the room. Once the door is locked and they're facing each other again, he tries something different. He tries to be honest. "I d--don't hate you."

Steve offers him a small smile. "Well, that's good to hear. I don't hate you either. And I never really wished I did."

 _Me neither._ Bucky sighs. "I h--hate this," he admits. "Not y--you."

Steve’s smile turns uncertain. “This?” he asks, looking for clarification. 

_The situation. The fact that we can't see each other in the hall without you face-planting into a doorframe. The fact that I can't make eye contact with you without my hands shaking and my throat closing up. The fact that I can't just call you when I need you._

Steve's chest tightens, but he nods. _I understand,_ he offers. _I hate it, too. But, we know what's really been going on, don't we? Do you think we could fix this?_

 _I don't know,_ Bucky admits, pained. _Maybe too much has happened now._

 _Maybe,_ Steve admits reluctantly. _But remember how well we got along online? I don't think we're hopeless. I think we have a good chance at making this work._

 _It's not that simple, though, is it?_ Bucky asks, a wry twist to his mouth. "A--after this," he jiggles his left arm, "I wanted-- wanted to call y--you. I n--needed you w--with me. But, but I couldn't. Y--you m--made me feel like-- like I c--couldn't." He gives up, raises his hands once more. _And I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me, either. We were supposed to be best friends. I loved you more than anything. But we did that to each other._

"We did," Steve says; it's not something he can deny. "We were pretty awful to each other." _But why can't it be that simple? Why can't we accept what we've done to each other and why, and try to move forward? I don't plan on acting like I have been. Do you?_

_No. But I don't know what the alternative is._

Steve hesitates, moving to sit on his bed, gesturing for Bucky to do the same. _I think we start with being friends again. It's been a while since we've done that. We started on it, on the forum, but we need to relearn how to do it in person._

But Bucky shies away. "It's h--hard," he says. "It's s--so hard to t--talk to y--you."

Steve can't help but wince, glancing away from Bucky and towards the floor. "I'm sorry, that I made it that way. If - If you really don't want to try..."

Bucky huffs. "St--St--Steve," he says. "I'm s--sorry, too." _It's not that I don't want to try._

 _Then what is it?_ Steve asks, a little desperately. 

_I'm scared,_ Bucky tells him. _I'm scared it won't work. I don't want to lose you all over again._

_Bucky, I don't want to lose you, either. But right now, we don't exactly have each other, do we?_

_No,_ Bucky concedes, somewhat grudgingly. He takes a deep breath. "I m--miss you."

"I miss you, too," Steve says softly. "A whole fucking lot."

Bucky sniffles, has to look away for a moment. "Then m--maybe," he says. "M--maybe we can-- can try."

"We can," Steve agrees. "And even if it doesn't work out, then we know we gave it our best effort."

"Unlike l--last time," Bucky says dryly.

Steve can't help but laugh at that. "Yeah, unlike last time. Open communication, okay? We don't freeze each other out."

Bucky smiles. "D--deal."

* * *

Their friends, when they tell them, are equal parts impressed, concerned, and exasperated, but for the most part they seem to be supportive. Steve and Bucky text a little over the next couple of days, a bit awkward but mostly pleasant, but they don't make any arrangements to see each other again until Sam pops up in the group chat and demands everyone's presence for a movie night at his and Riley's place. They set the date for the coming Saturday, and Bucky bites the bullet and messages Steve separately, suggesting they walk over together early that evening. Steve agrees.

It seems like a good idea at the time, but by the time Bucky is pacing awkwardly outside of Steve's dorm, it seems like the dumbest thing he's ever suggested. What was he thinking? He can't sign while they walk, and his left arm is aching anyway after a particularly hands-on class yesterday; how are they going to hold a conversation on the way to Sam's? Are they just going to walk in silence? What would they even talk _about?_

And then Steve opens the door before Bucky can even work up the courage to knock, totally catches him mid-freak out, and goddamn it if Bucky doesn't lose his breath for a moment. Steve's always been beautiful, but Bucky hasn't allowed himself to really _look_ in years. Fuck.

"St--Steve," Bucky manages, wishing the ground would swallow him whole. "Hey."

"Hey," Steve says with a smile, stepping into the hallway and pulling the door shut behind him. He lets his gaze roam over Bucky briefly, his smile softening in reassurance as he reads the tension in Bucky's shoulders and the nervousness in his expression. "Good to see you."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs. "Y--you too. Shall-- shall we?"

Steve hesitates, but nods. “Yeah, let’s go,” he says, biting his lip. This... may not have been the best idea, but they’re here now. Steve’s determined to see this through; he’s waited too long for his chance to make things right to just toss it away now on account of a little bit of awkwardness.

So they start walking, and Bucky is sick of the silence before they even make it out of the building. He stops Steve once they're through the main door, and when he turns to face him, asks, "Do y--you have your ai-- your aids in?"

Steve pauses, reaching up to double-check, and then nods. "Yep. Do you need anything before we head down to Sam's?"

"I'm g--good," Bucky tells him. "J--just wanted to m--make sure. It g--gets worse when I'm n--nervous. But. I'll-- I'll try."

"It's alright," Steve reassures him. "I don't mind."

Bucky smiles at him, and they set off again. The conversation is pleasant, amicable, though Bucky never relaxes enough for his speech to come easily. Steve seems to have endless patience, however, for which Bucky is incredibly grateful. They're both laughing by the time they reach Sam's place, and he looks surprised when he opens the door.

"Damn. I know you guys finally talked your shit out, but actually getting along? I never thought I'd see the day."

”Oh, fuck off,” Steve laughs. “We can’t give this our best shot if we don’t do our best to get along.”

"Well I know that," Sam points out, his eyebrows raised. "Wasn't so sure you did." He grins. "Come in, the others are already fighting over what to watch first. Riley's ordering pizza if you want?"

"If he orders pineapple and ham on more than one I'm gonna steal the remote from him," Steve calls into the apartment as they step inside, toeing out of their shoes. 

"I'll sic Nat on you," comes back from the direction of the kitchen. "You two want the usual meat lover's?"

Bucky exchanges a look with Steve and grins. Some things never change. "Y--yeah," he calls back, "and s--some of those d--dough balls."

Sam whistles. "Damn," he says. "All right. Go sit down and I'll bring you a beer."

Steve rolls his eyes, but heads for the living room, only to stop when he sees how everyone else is sitting. "Really?" he asks, sounding simultaneously exasperated and resigned. 

Natasha barely glances at them over her shoulder. "What?"

Bucky huffs a laugh. "C--come on, Stevie. We've s--sat next to-- to each other before."

"They're not even trying to be subtle, though," Steve complains, but he's smiling, too as he heads for the unoccupied loveseat - the only other unoccupied seat is the armchair, but it's not unoccupied for long. Riley comes in and claims it, then pulls Sam into his lap. 

"Pizza will be here in twenty minutes or so, so if you two hurry up and get seated we can get in an episode of _Mystery Science Theater_ to warm up," he says, giving Steve and Bucky a grin that's a bit too bright to be completely innocent. 

Bucky just rolls his eyes and takes his seat beside Steve. "You're l--lucky we love you g--guys," he says.

Natasha and Sam join in Riley’s grinning, and Steve just shakes his head and grabs the remote from the coffee table. “Let’s just get this night started,” he say, clicking over to Netflix.

* * *

The movie night is the best they've had in a long time. Bucky actually speaks, for starters, commenting on the movies and joking with Steve and their friends as though everything is normal, and Steve takes it all in stride. It's still awkward, though - but for an entirely different reason than it usually is. If anything, it feels too good to sit next to Steve and laugh with him like they used to; too natural. Bucky keeps having to catch himself when he goes to lean into Steve, to throw an arm around him or rest his head against his shoulder. They're not there yet - they may never get there - and Bucky can't push his luck. His only consolation is that Steve seems to be having the same difficulty.

They leave together around two o'clock in the morning. Clint left early so he could get up for an early shift, and Natasha convinced Sam to break open a bottle of vodka to go with their pizza, so by the time they start wrapping things up, she's in no fit state to do anything except drool into the cushions on Riley's new couch. Sam and Riley are merry but not drunk, and they each give Bucky and Steve a hug when they see them to the door.

"I'm proud of you, man," Sam murmurs into Bucky's ear. "Keep at it. You'll work it out." Bucky doesn't hear him say anything else, but he's pretty sure Sam tells Steve the same thing.

So they end the night the same way they began it; together, ambling along side by side, trying to swallow the awkwardness and think of something to say. "I h--had a good t--time," Bucky offers after a few minutes. "Even-- even though our f--friends are assholes."

"Yeah, they are," Steve laughs, the alcohol warming him making his words a bit louder than he'd intended. "But they're the good kind of assholes. Usually. I had a good time, too; best I've had in a while."

Bucky looks at him askance, grins. "Are you d--drunk, Stevie?"

Steve grins. "Nah, just tipsy. No more than tipsy, anyway. I didn't have that much to drink, I'm still a fucking lightweight."

Bucky laughs. "I n--noticed," he says. "You're f--fuckin' ador-- adorable."

Steve just grins. "I'm just far gone enough to not find that insulting."

"F--fuckin' cute as hell," Bucky repeats, the alcohol loosening his own tongue, too. "You should d--drink more often, St--Steve."

Steve snickers. "I don't think my liver would thank me for that."

Bucky rolls his eyes. "Spoil sp--sport."

Steve grins, daring to scoot over so he can bump Bucky's shoulder with his own. "Maybe we can go out some time to a bar or something."

Bucky's stomach swoop. "J--just us?" he asks, as casually as he can.

Steve bites his lip. "If you want. Or we could go with Nat and Sam."

Bucky forces a laugh, pushes his right hand through his hair. "Wh--whatever you w--want, pal."

Steve grins again. "Let's get through being tipsy together before we go for drunk together," he decides; not for the first time, Steve can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, they have a chance at this.

* * *

Steve says goodbye to Bucky outside of his dorm room; by now, the flush of alcohol in his blood has started to fade, but he still has just enough left in him to follow through on a split second decision. Opening a new browser tab on his phone, Steve goes to his private messages, and opens up the thread with DA - with Bucky.

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** So, remember that ex I told you I wanted to reconcile with? Just got back from a movie night with him and some of our other (asshole) friends, and I think it went really well._

Bucky's response takes a little while, but it does come.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Oh really? How did it go???_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Good, i think!! We even sat next to each other on the loveseat(tho our asshole friends made us do that lol i didn't mind tho i liked it) and then Hawk's girlfriend pulled out some vodka after he left and tried to get us drunk haha I didn't drink too much tho I'm a lightweight and I know it and i probably would've done something really embarrassing if I had been actually drunk and not just tipsy. Still kinda tipsy now, actually._

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Ooo Cap. Dont leave me hanging there. What kind of something embarrassing??_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I’m one of those physically affectionate drunks lol Doesn’t help that we used to just lay all over each other during movie nights back in high school, either. But I like intimacy, like being able to be near someone and feel comfortable throwing my feet in their lap, or pulling them onto my shoulder, and knowing that they’re just as eager to be touched as I am. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** What makes you so sure that he's not?_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** we just got back to being friendly and have only been talking for a couple of days idk I think it'd be weird to just start acting like we always used to _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Maybe a little. But maybe hes missed you just as much. Maybe he wants to get that back somehow_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** You think?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Trust me. If it was me, Id be scared shitless by how hard it was not to touch you tonight. It wouldve felt like everything Id spent years telling myself I didnt want was right there in front of me, just out of reach_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** But what do I know? Ive never met the guy, obviously_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** right yeah obviously lol but i... I wouldn't mind. If he did want to do that. Was thinking kinda the same thing tonight, even before the alcohol came into play lol _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Then maybe you should tell him. Honestys the best policy right?? At least then youll both know where you stand_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** You make a good point but I'm yawning too much to do anything about it tonight haha but I'll say something soon I promise _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Theres no rush, Cap. Whenever youre ready_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Get some sleep x_

* * *

Steve does work up the courage to say something to Bucky, and they manage to get more comfortable being physical with each other as the days go on. They continue talking, both through text and online. The online conversations only occur at night, after a group outing, where Cap and DA talk about what's going on with Steve and Bucky. It's probably a bit weird, but since it's working, Steve doesn't feel like rocking the boat. 

Almost two weeks after that first movie night, Steve heads up to Bucky's dorm for the first time. "Bucky?" he calls, knocking lightly on the door. "You okay? Your text was a bit cryptic."

There's a muffled thump followed by a curse, and then Bucky calls, "S--Steve? Yeah, I'm f--fine. It's just n--not a good-- a good time right now, p--pal."

Steve hesitates, then pushes on. "May I come in?"

"Steve, I'm f--fine," Bucky calls again. "You d--don't need to c--come in."

"You sure?" Steve asks, frowning. "If you need some help with anything..."

Another thump; another curse. "F--fuck! Fine." Footsteps, and then the door swings open, revealing a very dishevelled-looking Bucky. "I d--dropped my notes," he says. "Behind the b--bed. And _this_ ," he points to his left arm, "is-- is _useless_."

Steve nods, understanding. "Want me to grab them?" he offers. 

Bucky looks like the very idea causes him physical pain, but he steps aside to allow Steve to come in. "Please."

Steve manages to tug the bed just far enough for him to get an arm behind the frame to grab the notebook, and when he straightens to hand it to Bucky, he asks, "Bad day? Or did you sleep wrong?"

"S--slept weird," Bucky answers. "It's w--worse than n--normal."

Steve bites his lip, debating. "Do you want me to try massaging it?" he asks carefully. 

"N--no," Bucky says, his eyes wide. "I'll be f--fine."

"You sure? Is there any kind of stretches you should do?"

Bucky rolls his eyes. "Physio's a l--lost cause," he says. "It j--just does what it d--does."

"Well, it's only a lost cause if you give up on it," Steve reasons. "At least it's probably keeping your arm from getting worse." 

Bucky rolls his eyes. "You s--sound like St--Stark."

"Isn't he your obnoxious genius friend?" Steve asks, grinning. "I think I could sound like worse people. Could just be plain obnoxious."

"He's also-- also an asshole," Bucky tells him pointedly. "So."

"Still a genius," Steve retorts. "Seriously, though. You're holding your whole left side really stiffly; you sure you don't want me to try to work out the stiffness?"

Bucky's eyes widen just a fraction. "You w--would?"

"Well, yeah," Steve says, doing his best to ignore the way his cheeks have gone hot. "Of course."

"Oh." Bucky hesitates, but honestly, he's in an awful lot of pain, and if Steve's actually willing... "Y--Yeah. Okay."

Steve smiles then, relieved. "Come sit on the bed, then," he says, taking a couple of steps back to do so himself. 

Bucky follows him, still a little unsure, and settles himself on the bed. "This is, is weird, r--right?" he asks.

"I don't think so," Steve says. "Used to do it back in middle and high school, and I've still been doing it for Natasha and Clint, even Sam once or twice."

Bucky snorts. "Bet Riley l--liked that," he says.

"He didn't start glaring until Sam started moaning," Steve confides with a laugh, reaching up before he loses his nerve. "I'm going to start now, okay?"

Bucky takes a shaky breath. "Y--yeah," he says. "Okay."

Steve takes a deep breath of his own, and then gently lays his hands on Bucky's left shoulder, giving him a gentle squeeze before he sets to work. 

"Oh," Bucky sighs after a moment, and then, " _Oh_. I-- I forgot how g--good you were at-- at this."

Steve smiles, soft and pleased as he continues working his way down Bucky's shoulder and back. "There is a reason Riley was trying to murder me with his glare," he says lightly. 

"No k--kidding," Bucky says. "Christ, Steve..."

Steve swallows hard at the way Bucky says his name; it's haunted more than one dream since that night, and hearing it in person again... "Feeling better?" he asks, aiming for casual, but the husky quality to his voice makes it miss the mark. 

Bucky's eyes, which slipped closed some time ago without his permission, fly open, but he doesn't move. "Yeah," he rasps. "Th--thanks."

"Good," Steve hums, turning his focus to Bucky's arm now that he's worked the tension from his back and shoulder. He'll work his way down and then back up, and he's feeling slightly heady at being able to touch Bucky like this again. "I'm going to work on your arm now."

"Oh--okay," Bucky says. He fights hard not to tense up again, and even harder not to sound like a blushing virgin when he continues, "Be g--gentle, yeah?"

"Of course," Steve murmurs, suppressing the urge to press a reassuring kiss to the back of Bucky's neck. "Let me know if anything hurts too much."

Bucky shivers. "W--will do," he promises. He closes his eyes again, and lets out another breath.

Steve is careful as he works down Bucky's arm, carefully coaxing out the tension and knots in his slightly-atrophied muscles and encouraging better blood flow. "Any pins and needles?" 

"P--pretty much always," Bucky admits. "But it's not-- it's not bad."

"Well at least I'm not making it worse," Steve chuckles, reaching Bucky's wrist. Here, he hesitates. "How does your hand feel?"

"Fine," Bucky tells him. "S-stiff."

Steve hums idly, and shifts just enough to be able to take Bucky's hand in both of his so that he can work on the tendons and muscles there, too. "Okay?"

"Y--yeah," Bucky sighs. His fingers twitch in Steve's grasp until they brush the back of his hand and stay there, not quite holding on but almost.

Steve's mouth goes dry at Bucky's touch, and he can't help the small squeeze he gives Bucky's hand before he starts gradually working his way back up Bucky's arm, making sure he hasn't missed any spots of tension. Once he's reached Bucky's shoulder again, he lets his hands rest there as he asks, "Feeling better?"

"Great," Bucky says, and he sounds as relieved as he feels. "Th--thanks, Steve."

Steve smiles, reluctantly taking his hands back. "Need anything else?"

Bucky rolls his shoulder, smiling to himself when the movement is more or less as easy as it usually is. "I don't-- I don't think so," he says, because it's true. "B--but you don't h-- have to..."

"Well, I was working on an essay, but I can spare a couple of hours," Steve says with a smile. 

Bucky turns to look at him, smiles back. "M--maybe just one," he says. "If you're b--busy."

"Not too busy to watch a movie," Steve says, grinning. "There's a couple of interesting looking ones on Netflix."

"If w--we can use your-- your p--password," Bucky says, grinning. "Still haven't g--gotten my own."

"Oh, I see," Steve laughs. "You're just friends with me for the Netflix."

Bucky rolls his eyes. "And the m--massages. Duh."

* * *

So Steve stays to watch a movie before excusing himself to work on his essay, and it's nice, it's so nice. Bucky can't resist grabbing his phone as soon as Steve's gone and opening up the forum. Maybe they can switch things up this time.

_**DeadlyASSassin:** so yk i mentioned my asshole ex???_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Vaguely :p kidding, of course I do. Did something happen?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** He came over tonight. I needed his help w something and i was too proud to ask, but he offered anyway_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** did he behave himself?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Perfect gentleman. So unlike his usual asshole self ;)_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** ohhhh, nice :D so there's some progress huh?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I'd say so..._

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** About time, huh?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I think so :) Im feeling really good about this, Cap. Hes not like anyone else._

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** I'm glad you're happy :) what did you two do?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** he helped me with my fucked up arm. No ones touched me like that since the accident_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** fuck, that long?! _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Other than doctors and my physio, no ones really wanted to. I didnt want them to either_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** But you let him? Why?_

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Because i trust him._

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** even after everything? _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** Maybe because of it. I dont know. Were trying to make it work, get to know each other again. And he was my best friend for so long. If he sees me now, after everything, and he wants to know me... Yeah. I trust him_

_**CaptainAmerica1945:** Well that's good :) I'm sure he feels the same, that he trusts you, I mean. _

_**DeadlyASSassin:** I really hope so_

* * *

They don't talk about their online conversation - they never do - but Steve makes sure to show Bucky as much as possible that he isn't put off by his arm, or bothered by it in any way. Movie nights for just the two of them become a common occurrence, usually preceded by Steve giving Bucky's arm a massage. Each time, they move closer and closer together when they start the movie up, until they're almost as comfortable with each other as they used to be. 

Roughly a month later, Clint whines at Natasha until she agrees to a night out as a break from studying for midterms, and when Sam and Riley hear about their plans, they volunteer their company, and convince Steve and Bucky to go out as well. The night starts out laidback, light liquor and an easy atmosphere, but then Clint brings back a round of shots. Honestly, things turn into a bit of a blur from there, until Steve realizes that he's well and truly drunk, and that Clint is approximately one and a half drinks away from repeating the Spring Break Incident. Then Steve decides he should _probably_ head home, and makes his way over to Bucky. "I'm getting ready to head out," he says, just loud enough to be heard over the noise of the bar. "You want to come with?"

Bucky, who is absolutely as drunk as Steve if not even a little more, laughs and slings his arm around Steve's shoulders. "Yeah. T--take me h--home, Stevie."

Steve shakes his head, a fond smile on his face as he wraps an arm around Bucky's waist to help keep him steady. "Sure, Buck," he laughs, turning them towards the door with a wave to Natasha, who's watching them with a raised eyebrow. "Don't trip over your own feet; I don't know if I can keep both of us up if you do."

"I'm good," Bucky tells him. "W--won't fall. Just need-- need to c--concentrate."

Steve chuckles. "Maybe don't talk so much," he teases as they start down the street. There's a couple of close calls, mostly when they reach the steps to their dorm, but they make it to Steve's door unscathed. By the time they reach it, their steps have grown steadier, though they haven't separated. "Well, this is me," Steve observes, though he makes no move to enter. 

Bucky straightens himself up, looks between the door and Steve. "S--sure is," he says. "G--guess I should say good-- goodnight."

Steve hesitates before nodding. “Yeah,” he says, though even to himself, he sounds a bit dubious.

Bucky laughs softly and draws closer, reaching out with his left hand to clasp Steve's right in a loose grip. "Or," he says softly, "I could d--do this." Their lips touch a moment later.

Steve stills, shocked for only a moment before he his whole body relaxes into a sigh as he returns the kiss. When they part, Steve can't help but search Bucky's gaze, unsure what, exactly, he's looking for. "Bucky?"

"Sorry," Bucky breathes. He's still smiling. "I've-- I've been wanting to."

"Don't be sorry," Steve says hastily. "Me, too. I've been wanting to kiss you for... a long time."

Bucky sways closer, twists his hand in Steve's so that he can thread their fingers together. "Yeah?"

Steve licks his lips, nods, and takes a step closer, too. "Yeah," he murmurs, leaning in for another kiss. 

This one is different, still soft, but with an edge of something that lights a fire in Bucky. He deepens their next kiss, slips his good hand around to give Steve's ass a squeeze. "You g--gonna invite me in?" he asks against Steve's mouth.

Steve blinks, then smiles, brilliant and blinding as Bucky's question sinks in. "Yeah," he says, still grinning as he fumbles for his key. "Come on in."

Bucky lets Steve go just long enough for them to get into his room and lock the door behind them, and then he's back in Steve's space, pulling him in for another heated kiss. "I w--want you," he breathes. "Steve."

"I want you, too," Steve reassures him, guiding Bucky towards the bed. " _Fuck,_ you've got no idea how much."

They haven't even bothered to turn the lights on, and they stumble over something on the floor that they can't see. Bucky laughs as he steadies Steve, and then he pushes Steve back onto the bed. "It's b--been a while," he admits, swinging a leg over Steve's hips so that he can sit astride him. He runs his hands down Steve's chest, teases at the hem of his t-shirt. "I m--might be a little r--rusty."

Steve laughs. "It's been just as long for me," he confesses. "Never felt close enough to anyone else to do anything."

Bucky responds to this by tugging Steve upright and pulling his shirt off. "And now?" he asks.

Steve leans forward to press a kiss to the corner of Bucky's mouth, his own hands moving to the edge of Bucky's shirt. "Now, I love you."

All of Bucky's breath stutters out of him. "F--fuck," he sighs. "Steve, I--" He falters when Steve's hold on his shirt becomes a tug. "W--wait, you don't--"

Steve stills. "Don't what?" he asks softly. 

"Don't h--have to," Bucky tells him. "It's not-- it's not pretty."

"I don't care," Steve says firmly. "It doesn't matter to me, unless you don't want to take your shirt off."

Bucky sighs, shakes his head. Other than the moonlight coming in through a gap in the curtains, there isn't much light in here anyway. "If you're s--sure," he says.

Steve's expression softens, and he leans in for a gentle kiss. "I'm sure," he says. 

Bucky grins, leans back just far enough to pull his shirt off himself - and this is where his confidence falters.

Steve gives Bucky a smile, and reaches out to lay one hand on his shoulder. For the first time, there's no cloth between his hand and Bucky's shoulder, but Steve doesn't look; he meant what he said, that it doesn't matter to him what Bucky's arm looks like. "Good?" he asks, waiting for Bucky's permission to continue. 

Bucky smiles again, softer this time and more sincere. "Yeah," he says. He gets his own hands on Steve's shoulders and pulls him in for another kiss. "G--great."

* * *

That night is, in every way, better than the last one they’d spent together. They move together easily, as if they’ve spent the last years together instead of at each other’s throats, and with this new understanding between them, everything seems perfect.

Until, that is, Steve wakes up alone.

It doesn’t sink in, at first, what the empty spot next to him on the bed combined with the silence of his dorm room means, but when it does, Steve bolts upright in bed. “Bucky?” he calls, the word sounding vulnerable even to himself. When there’s no answer, he kicks himself. There’s no place for Bucky to hide in here; he would’ve seen Bucky if Bucky was here to be seen. So that means... _Fuck,_ Steve thinks despondently, eyes stinging. _He’s gone._

He has all of three minutes to come to terms with this realisation before there's the sound of a key turning in the lock, and the door swings open to reveal Bucky, wearing the same clothes as last night and a pair of sunglasses. He's carrying two coffee cups in a take-out tray and a bag of pastries, too. If Steve was anything except dazed and beyond confused, he'd note that the smell is amazing.

"H--hey, gorgeous," Bucky's saying, bumping the door shut with his hip as he pulls off his shades. "Thought you'd s--still be-- Hey. W--what's wrong?"

All Steve can do is stare at Bucky with wide eyes. "Wait, you - You're back? I thought - "

"S--Steve," Bucky says, his eyes wide as he takes in the situation. Steve's still in bed, still naked, still-- "Have y--you been c--crying?"

"No," Steve says, but it's only barely the truth; he was right on the verge of doing so. "I just, I thought you'd left - "

"No!" Bucky says, quickly, loudly. "No, St--Steve, I w--was just-- I l--left you a note, and I," He raises his free hand, jangles the keys in it, "I s--stole your dorm keys. I w--went for c--coffee. I d--didn't even sh--shower."

Steve glances towards his desk, where he can just barely make out what is, presumably, the note Bucky left, and after a moment his gaze flicks up to meet Bucky's, a rueful - if still wobbly - smile on his face. "Sorry, I just panicked. Last night was amazing, but when I woke up and you were gone..."

Bucky hastily sets the coffee and the pastries on Steve's desk so that he can sit with Steve on the bed and take his hand. "No," he says. "I'm s--so sorry. I should've-- should've w--woken you, but you l--looked so..." He shakes his head. "I'm n--not leaving you, S--Stevie. Not now."

Steve isn't ashamed of how hard he holds on to Bucky's hand, needing the physical reassurance. "Okay," he says, shifting over so he can lean into Bucky. "I believe you."

Bucky pulls Steve into his arms, kisses him gently. "Good," he murmurs. "'Cause I l--love you."

Steve looks at Bucky in shock for a brief moment before a wondering smile overtakes his face. "You didn't say it last night," he murmurs. "I love you, too."

"I m--meant to," Bucky promises. He smiles. "Last n--night was... intense."

Steve can’t help but laugh, a bit breathless with the joy growing in his chest. “It was,” he agrees. “But it was a good intense, I think.”

Bucky's smile goes a bit dopey. "R--really good," he says.

Steve smiles, leaning in for a soft kiss. “Good. I’m sorry for freaking out a bit, and we should probably eat breakfast before it gets cold.”

"Sh--shit," Bucky laughs, already moving. "The r--raspberry danish is still your-- your favourite, right?"

”Duh,” Steve grins, following Bucky. “Did you grab any creamer for the coffee? I think I might be out.”

Bucky digs in the pocket of his jacket and obligingly drops the creamer onto the bed. "Dig in," he says, grinning. "You'll n--need the energy."

Steve smirks. “So will you.”

* * *

The rest of the semester passes easily, if occasionally a bit hectically, especially around finals. Bucky and Steve finally tell their families that they’ve reconciled, though they haven’t revealed the full extent of that reconciliation just yet. They’ve been saving that for today, the day they come home and, for the first time in years, Steve attends the Barnes family dinner. His mom’s been going even while he hasn’t, and Steve’s so nervous he thinks he might just faint as they walk up the front walkway. “House looks nice,” he says, squeezing Bucky’s hand lightly, a reassurance meant more for himself than anything. “Is everyone going to be here?”

"E--everyone," Bucky confirms. "Becca and D--Dave tried to tried to get-- get out of it, but w--when they heard y--you were coming..."

Steve grimaces, but his steps barely falter. “Mom already told me she was going to be coming, too. Gonna be just like old times, huh?”

Bucky laughs and takes Steve's hand. "N--not quite."

Steve smiles, small, pleased, but still a little nervous. "Maybe not. But hopefully better. We should probably head in before someone comes after us for hanging around on the porch."

"R--relax," Bucky laughs, but he's already unlocking the front door. "They're probably all out the b--back. Dad mentioned s--something about a b--barbeque?"

"Oh good, I can just hop over the back fence if things go south," Steve jokes as they step into the house. His grip on Bucky's hand tightens again, though, as he takes a deep breath. "Okay. We can do this, right? It's not like I haven't seen or spoken to anyone in your family for years or anything, after all."

Bucky pulls them to a stop and turns to look at him. "Steve," he says, "they l--love you. That h--hasn't changed."

Steve licks his lips, glancing nervously at the back door, just visible down the hall. "You're sure?" he asks, unable to shake the feeling that the other Barneses are going to hate him. 

Bucky gives Steve a shove with his shoulder. "They've s--spent the past few y--years yelling at me to t--talk to you."

"Really?"

"Y--yes," Bucky laughs. "They don't know wh--why, but they were s--sure it was my f--fault."

Steve can't help but laugh, too. "To be fair, it was both of our faults," he says, but relaxes nonetheless. 

Bucky rolls his eyes, and gives Steve's arm a tug. "Come on, R--Romeo."

"Okay," Steve says, with one last deep breath, and then he follows Bucky out to the backyard. 

Winifred Barnes sees them first, and she immediately swoops in on them. "There you are!" she cries, yanking first Bucky and then Steve into a hug. "We thought you'd gotten lost! Steve, darling, it's so good to see you, I'm so glad James finally removed his head from his rear end."

Bucky makes an indignant sound. "Ma!"

Sarah laughs at the stunned look on her son's face when Winifred hugs him; she just smirks when he shoots a miffed look her way. "It's good to see you two in the same place again," she says, moving in for her own hugs. 

Bucky laughs, and hugs Sarah with his good arm. "T--trust me," he says, "I know."

"But that's not your only news, is it?" Winifred asks. "I thought you were both bringing dates?"

"Well, we did," Steve says, before glancing at Bucky and reaching over to take his hand, twining their fingers together. 

George lets out a whistle from where he'd manning the grill. "Well, damn. Didn't see that coming, not after the past few years."

Winifred is beaming fit to burst. "None of us did," she says, "but thank God. I really wasn't looking forward to pretending to like whoever you brought home."

"Ma," Bucky laughs, "that's a l--little unfair."

"Sarah was thinking the same thing!" Winifred insists.

"I was," Sarah admits shamelessly. "Guess I still held out hope you two would reconcile and get back on that track you were on in high school."

"Well it took them long enough," Becca says, finally untangling herself from her husband long enough to come over for hugs of her own. "We've missed you around here, Rogers. You didn't have to dump the whole family along with Bucky, y'know."

Winifred swats at her. "Rebecca!"

"Well I kind of did," Steve points out before giving Becca a hug. "Sorry. I was kind of just... avoiding everything to do with Bucky for a while there."

"Obviously you're not anymore," Sarah snickers. 

"N--not a thing," Bucky agrees, grinning. Becca rolls her eyes, but she's smiling too.

"I'm so happy for you," she tells them. "Dave would be, too, if he could pull himself away from his hotdog." Behind them, Dave waves a hand without looking up.

Winifred brightens. "Speaking of which, George! Are the burgers ready yet? These boys look like they haven't eaten properly all year."

"Just finished," George calls back, transferring the burgers in question to a platter. "Better come eat them while you can still taste the flame!"

Everyone turns back to the garden, and Bucky takes Steve's hand, gives him a soft look. "You r--ready?" he asks.

Steve returns the look, leaning in for a brief kiss. "Ready."


End file.
